Monday, March 17, 2014

When life isn't what you planned.

I drafted this post the night that I was losing our baby.
I had no idea if I would ever come back to it or if I would ever actually post this.
I'm still not even sure if I want to.
But here I am back at this post reading through what I wrote, still feeling unimaginable emotional pain. The physical pain has mostly gone but my hear is still so broken.

Being thankful for thorns means being thankful for the hard stuff in our lives.
It doesn't mean that it makes it all ok or a walk in the park but still being thankful.

I have to be totally honest with you, I'm struggling with being thankful for some thorns right now in my life.

First going through failure to thrive with Bug.
Watching him go through tests and monitoring everything he ate.
Increasing his caloric intake as much as possible.
Being afraid of if he was going to be ok.
Feeling like it was my fault and questioning what I did wrong.
Everyone of course reminded me it's not my fault but I still to this day feel as though I failed my son. God has placed him in my arms for me to nurture, care for his physical needs, and train him up. And somehow I failed to fully meet his physical needs without even knowing it.

And now....I have a baby in heaven.
It's weird you know?
You never think or expect it could REALLY happen to you.
It's just something that happens to other women.

I know a lot of women who have one or more babies in heaven...
I never imagined it would be me too.
I'm typing this up on 3/13/2014 the day my baby went to be in the arms of Jesus.
And man I'm jealous.

I'm jealous.
I'm sad.
I'm confused.
I'm alone.

I'm jealous that Jesus is holding my baby right now.
I'm sad that I won't be able to hold my little one in this life.
I'm sad for all of the things our family is going to miss with this child being in heaven.
I'm confused as to why this happened. I know God has a plan and I know it'll work together for my good (Romans 8:28) but man right now I just don't understand this at all.
I'm alone. There is no longer a baby growing inside my womb.

My husband will be going through emotional loss and pain too I'm sure but no one else will feel this exact physical pain. The emptiness I feel inside me.

I was carrying our third child.
We were getting excited.
We were making plans to go out and celebrate this new addition to our family.
And now our whole world feels turned upside down.

Instead of going out to dinner and a movie to celebrate we'll be spending Saturday night curled up in pjs and blankets "watching" a movie to distract ourselves.
Instead of going out to dinner we'll be eating whatever we can throw together.
Instead of getting excited and being happy we'll be grieving.

I will always love you my sweet angle baby.
I will miss you every day.
I will always be your mommy.
I will see you again some day.

1 comment:

  1. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your outlook in the face of tragedy is awe-inspiring. You are so strong. Blessings, Sweet Mama.