There are so many emotions with no words.
No one knows what to say to us right now.
People keep asking me how far along I was.
I honestly have avoided answering because I feel like by stating I was 6.5 weeks it somehow makes my baby's time on this earth count less.
My husband and I have decided to give our child the name we had picked out for her.
So I wait for people to say "Well at not even 7 weeks you have no way of knowing if it was a boy or girl. Why waste such a beautiful name?"
I wait for the short time I was blessed to carry our sweet baby to be discredited and brushed off as unimportant. And maybe deep down I struggle with some of those very thoughts.
But in only a week of having had a pregnancy confirmed, we had fallen in love with our child.
So I'm finally saying it.
I was six and a half weeks pregnant with our third baby.
The only physical proof we have that she existed is the positive pregnancy test.
I had not been to the doctor yet so we don't have any pictures of her.
But I had physical signs that I was pregnant.
I walked down one of the isles in my local grocery store
and I could smell the pickles through the jars.
We went out to dinner at a local Chinese buffet and I couldn't get over how yummy the peaches were. They were canned. Nothing special. But man they tasted good.
I had three helpings of them.
I was honestly scared about having a third child.
I didn't know if I could do it.
We have some big dreams and plans for my etsy shop and for this year in general.
We would need a different car as we couldn't fit three car seats in our current one.
I have problems with my pelvis and knew how painful and difficult Bug's pregnancy was with a toddler. Could I really go through that again with two kids needing me?
It wasn't until I thought I might be losing her that I knew I could do it.
I would do it.
We knew for certain that I was pregnant for exactly one week.
I looked at the positive test several times throughout the week.
Checking to see if this was really happening or if I was just dreaming.
After we lost her I had someone say,
"You didn't have room in your house for one more child!"
I wanted to cry and say, "But I had plenty of room in my heart."
We had enough room. There is always enough room.
I have so many questions.
Questions that can't be answered.
I wonder if it was my fault.
I wonder if the fact that after Bug was born
I had to have a D&C done made this happen.
I wonder if I could have done anything to prevent it.
I wait for the words that have remained unsaid.
Words that I know wouldn't help at all but I have secretly thought myself.
Things I have felt guilty of thinking.
Words I don't really want to hear.
I try to process the hurt and guilt that I didn't want this baby at first.
And yet I fell in love and am broken now that she's gone.
The guilt I feel for grieving a baby we lost only a few short weeks in when I have two healthy awesome boys here who need me too.
But if I move forward it feels like she never existed and will be forgotten which breaks my heart.
So here I sit.
Over 500 words.
A thousand thoughts.
A heart that is broken.
A love that is lost.
Caught between grieving what we've lost
and celebrating what we've gained.