Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The place in between.

Photo Credit
There are so many questions with no answers.
There are so many emotions with no words.
No one knows what to say to us right now.

People keep asking me how far along I was.
I honestly have avoided answering because I feel like by stating I was 6.5 weeks it somehow makes my baby's time on this earth count less.
My husband and I have decided to give our child the name we had picked out for her.
So I wait for people to say "Well at not even 7 weeks you have no way of knowing if it was a boy or girl. Why waste such a beautiful name?"

I wait for the short time I was blessed to carry our sweet baby to be discredited and brushed off as unimportant. And maybe deep down I struggle with some of those very thoughts.
But in only a week of having had a pregnancy confirmed, we had fallen in love with our child.

So I'm finally saying it.
I was six and a half weeks pregnant with our third baby.
The only physical proof we have that she existed is the positive pregnancy test.
I had not been to the doctor yet so we don't have any pictures of her.
But I had physical signs that I was pregnant.
I walked down one of the isles in my local grocery store
and I could smell the pickles through the jars.
We went out to dinner at a local Chinese buffet and I couldn't get over how yummy the peaches were. They were canned. Nothing special. But man they tasted good.
I had three helpings of them.

I was honestly scared about having a third child.
I didn't know if I could do it.
We have some big dreams and plans for my etsy shop and for this year in general.
We would need a different car as we couldn't fit three car seats in our current one.
I have problems with my pelvis and knew how painful and difficult Bug's pregnancy was with a toddler. Could I really go through that again with two kids needing me?

It wasn't until I thought I might be losing her that I knew I could do it.
I would do it.

We knew for certain that I was pregnant for exactly one week.
I looked at the positive test several times throughout the week.
Checking to see if this was really happening or if I was just dreaming.

After we lost her I had someone say,
"You didn't have room in your house for one more child!"
I wanted to cry and say, "But I had plenty of room in my heart."
We had enough room. There is always enough room.

I have so many questions.
Questions that can't be answered.
I wonder if it was my fault.
I wonder if the fact that after Bug was born
I had to have a D&C done made this happen.
I wonder if I could have done anything to prevent it.

I wait for the words that have remained unsaid.
Words that I know wouldn't help at all but I have secretly thought myself.
Things I have felt guilty of thinking.
Words I don't really want to hear.

I try to process the hurt and guilt that I didn't want this baby at first.
And yet I fell in love and am broken now that she's gone.
The guilt I feel for grieving a baby we lost only a few short weeks in when I have two healthy awesome boys here who need me too.
But if I move forward it feels like she never existed and will be forgotten which breaks my heart.

So here I sit.
Writing again.
Over 500 words.
A thousand thoughts.
A heart that is broken.
A love that is lost.
Caught between grieving what we've lost
and celebrating what we've gained.


  1. I just keep praying for you and your loss and I cant imagine someone saying you didn't have room! Makes me very sad!!

  2. Oh, Jessica. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Grieve, but don't feel guilt. Pamper yourself, make the time to take care of you.

  3. I am still praying for you. It's right to grieve. I wish I were nearby to bring you a meal and just give you a hug.