When I stared blogging after my oldest was born it was because I was pretty lonely.
We got married, moved to a new city, and had a baby all in less than a year.
I didn't know anyone where we lived and I needed an outlet.
I was working through a lot and needed a way to get it all out.
So I began blogging.
Not because I though I really had a story to share or anything that others would really relate to but simply because I needed it.
As I read some other blogs I just remember laughing or crying as I related to some of their stories. I found encouragement to be a better mom, wife, woman, and child of God.
I have grown and changed so much over the years and I'm still growing and changing.
I've continued to blog because of the community it has blessed me with.
So many beautiful wonderful people.
I have been so beyond blessed by the outpouring of love, prayers, and support as we grieve the loss of our baby.
I never could or would have imagined all of the messages and emails I would receive.
We've honestly truly felt it.
So thank you.
We've been blessed with a wonderful Church family as well as
biological family who have just wrapped their arms around us.
As I sat on my friend's couch Sunday night and talked to her about everything I've been thinking and feeling, how I've read some other blogs who have gone through the loss of a child. I told her about how I was blogging about what we're going through even though I'm not completely sure I want to. She told me, "One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis. "We read to know we are not alone. You need to read and you need to write."
I understand if what I have to write is too much for you to read.
I promise I won't be hurt by you clicking the little red X.
But I feel I have to write it for my own personal healing.
And if it helps just one other person to know they're not alone,
then it will have been worth feeling so exposed.
I've experienced every emotion possible I think.
I have cried till my eyes burned, my cheeks stung, my face was red, and body ached.
I'm pretty numb right now.
Most all physical signs I was pregnant are gone so in some ways
it almost feels like I never was.
I still have some weird food aversions and little to no appetite.
Things I once really liked make me gag and things I have never liked taste really good.
I'm doing every day things. Going through the motions. Doing laundry, picking up toys, reading books to my boys.
I'm still having trouble sleeping.
I've talked so much about it, rehashed the timeline of the last six or so months that has brought us to this place that I feel like I have no words left. Yet I am able to type over 500 words and have a million thoughts.
I'm trying to keep busy but I don't really feel like doing a whole lot right now.
In some ways I feel like I need to just push ahead and go on with life but then I feel guilty like I'm forgetting our baby. Like her life didn't matter or count.
I just feel...stuck.