Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spring is coming

It's snowing and its overcast and gray.
The grass is lifeless and brown.
There are patches of snow still on the ground.
The world looks dull.
My heart feels empty.

But I know that spring is coming.
Today is the first day of spring.
In a few days it will be my husband's 26th birthday.
In just about a month from now my parent's back yard will be coated in a blanket of beautiful white blood root flowers.

I know that spring is coming.
I have smelled it on the days where it's been warmer and raining.
I have heard the birds begin to sing their songs and return from their winter homes.
I have felt the warmth of the sun on my face.

I know that spring is coming.
I eagerly watch and wait for the first robin.
I have heard the chickadees singing their songs.
In just a matter of weeks I'll be outside planting seeds for new flowers.
We'll soon see buds on the trees.
The days will continue to get longer and warmer.

The lilac bush will bloom.
The violets and phlox will coat my yard in white and shades of purple.
We'll be able to turn off the heat and open the windows during the day.
We'll hear the frogs in the pond near by.
And we'll go feed the ducks stale bread.

Spring is coming.
It's coming soon.

Spring is when the whole world feels new.
When the world comes back to life after a long hard winter.
There are signs of new life all over.
Everywhere you look you see new life. New growth.

Two weeks ago that we found out there was new life growing inside of me.
Two weeks ago we began to dream of this new member of our family.

Amazing all of the things you can think of and feel in the span of one week.
Wondering how we would do it all.
Thinking of how there would be a new baby at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thinking of being six months pregnant and going to the fair like we do every year.

It's amazing how you can instantly fall in love with someone so small.
And for one week I knowingly carried my child in my womb.

It feels impossible that it has been a week.
A week ago today that we lost our baby.

I have no idea why God is taking us down this road.
I have no idea why our baby had to go to heaven after only 6.5 weeks with us.
I have no idea why I was chosen to carry this sweet baby only to lose her.
But I do know one thing.
As hard as this has all been and continues to be, I would chose to do it all again.
I will carry you. I will always and forever carry you in my heart sweet girl.

We had big dreams for you.
Photographs we wanted to take.
We wanted to hold you.
Smell your sweet skin.
Feel your soft hair.
We wanted to rock you and make you feel safe.

People say that I'm brave but I'm not.
Truth is some days I'm barely hanging on.
Some days I just want to go crawl back into bed and sleep the day away.
I get angry. I get sad. I get lonely.

Someday I'll tell your brothers about you.
I think of you on a summers day imagining you being 3 and running with your wild hair.
I'll always wonder if you would have had bleach blonde hair like me, or brown hair like your daddy. Your brothers have smiles that fill their faces and bright eyes that light up our world.
I look at them and wonder what you would have looked like.

Monkey has been sad the last few days.
He says he doesn't know why but that he wishes daddy was home.
I think he misses you too.
Even though he didn't know you were here.

And even though my heart is still breaking and your daddy and I are still sad
I will be thankful for the time we had.
I will still praise the One who gave you to me.
I will still give Him my heart and know that He will carry us through this.
I will continue to stand with my hands lifted high, tears streaming down my face, my heart broken, and say "Here we stand our hearts are yours. Not our will but yours be done."

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