Sunday, April 13, 2014

One Month.

It's been one month since we said goodbye.
It feels so much longer.
It feels like just yesterday.
But I guess that's how grief is.

I'll be totally honest.
My house is a mess.
There are dirty diapers needing to be washed,
Hampers full of clothes needing to be washed, folded, and put away.
And dishes needing to be washed.

I'm trying to keep busy but I have little desire to keep up.
I spend a lot of time sewing these days.
It's productive, enjoyable, creative, and keeps me busy.

I feel like a bad mom to the boys.
I'm struggling to be there for them.
They are changing.
Right in front of me, they are changing.
Changing, growing, learning and...and I'm missing it.
Because I feel like if I move forward,
if I go on, keep going...
that it means I'm forgetting my third child.

And if I forget her...
then she'll be gone.
Lost forever.

I feel stuck.
Stuck in life.
Stuck in my blog.

I have so many review commitments I need to fulfill, giveaways to be done,
and other things I want to blog about too but I can't seem to do it.
I never thought or imagined that I would be in this place.
And I just don't even know how to add in other content to my blog again right now.

One month later...I'm still in that place.

Today I realized if I were still pregnant I would be 11 weeks.
I felt both of the boys move for the first time at 11 weeks.

I ache for that feeling.
That feeling of movement of life inside of me.
Those first few baby butterfly kicks.
The ones that only I could feel.

I feel like some people get it.
But so many...most...don't.

Few call.
Less come.
Life moves on.

But here I am.
Still grieving.
Still broken.
Still hurting.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

When you give God your heart and it all falls apart.

Two months ago I never thought this is where I would find myself.
Two months ago I never could have imagined how different I would be.
Two months changes a lot.

On February 1st my husband and I attended a wedding.
Probably the most beautiful wedding I have ever had the honor of attending.
The bride and her family have been friends with ours as long as I can remember.
My sister and the bride best friends since they were four.
The wedding was beautiful and was more like a worship service than a typical wedding.
They spent their first moments serving each other by washing each other's feet and worshiping their Savior.




Her father gave her groom a charge.
Things about her heart and holding and protecting it.

I had been going through some stuff and really stuck with me.

The next day while at church while still thinking of the wedding and some of the personal things we had been dealing with for months just got to me.
I cried and worshiped in a way I have never experienced before.

Uninhibited.
Carefree.
Unreservedly.
Completely.
Recklessly.

I had this moment alone with God while standing in a room full of people.
And I heard Him say to me, "I will hold and protect your heart if you will let me. I can't promise that it'll never be broken or hurt but I can promise that I will always hold it in my hands. I will always be right here holding all of the pieces and will help you put it back together when you're ready. If you will let me."

So that day in church I said "Yes" to God in a way I never had before.
I had trusted Him as a child. I had followed Him half way around the world as a teenager.
But I fully gave my heart to Him and said "Yes. Here is my heart, I'm trusting you with it" as an adult. We sang a new song in church that day and as I sang and poured out my heart I for the first time really meant what I was singing.

"Here we stand our hearts are yours,
Not our will but yours be done."

But then two weeks later He whispered softly to my heart again.
Reminding me that their was something I was holding on to.

"You said you gave me your heart but there is this piece
 right here that you are holding on to so tightly."
I know God but what if you don't do this right.
What if I'm not ready for this? What if I can't do it?
"You can trust me. And if it all falls apart I will be right here
holding all of the pieces."

So I did.
I gave up the last piece.
The piece that was trying to control if we had another baby or not.

You see, I had all of these plans. 
These goals and dreams that I didn't know if I could do with a newborn and two older children. I liked our routine and schedule. I was seeing ways I could grow my blog and my etsy shop. I could see in two years, maybe less, we would finally be debt free.

But I thought another baby...well that will change things.
We'd need a new car.
Could I handle being pregnant, all of the pain that goes along with my pelvic condition (pubic symphysis dysfunction), and still be the mom I want to be to my two older boys?
So I was holding onto that piece.

Two days later, after fully giving God my heart, God planned our family for us.

I was pretty sure I was pregnant but it was too early to take a test.
So I waited.
When I was two days late I told my husband that I thought I was pregnant.
I took the test and we watched and waited.

Three minutes.
That's all it takes.
One line.
Two lines.
Pregnant.


For one week I wrestled with how I felt about being pregnant.
I would feel excited and happy. Catch myself with my hand on my stomach.
Then the next minute I would wonder how I'm ever going to really do this all.
Then I heard Him whisper softly to my heart again... "Trust me."

On Wednesday, March 12th my husband called me and said "Find someone to babysit the boys. We need to go out this weekend. We need to celebrate. We need to get excited."
I told him that he was right. We needed to get excited and that every baby deserves to have their parents happy and excited about them.

Two hours later it started.
I went to the bathroom and was shocked at what I saw.
I tried to keep calm and hopped it was nothing.
When my husband got home from work I told him what was going on and we went to bed.
But when we woke up the next morning I knew it wasn't nothing.

My heart shattered.
Broken into a million pieces.
I realized just how in love I already really was with our baby and how much I wanted her.
But I knew what was happening.
I knew we would never get to hold our sweet baby in our arms.

Never breathe her in.
Never feel her soft skin.
Never touch her hair.
Not on this side of heaven.

That Sunday we went to church.
I was numb and broken.
I avoided certain people.
Didn't want them to know.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be held.
I didn't know what I wanted.
I cried.

The lights were dimmed.
It was time to worship.
I felt so broken and didn't know if I could.
But at the same time I had to.
And we sang.
"Here we stand our hearts are yours,
Not our will but yours be done."

I sobbed.
I couldn't really even sing.

I told God that He had my heart.
He told me that He couldn't promise it would never be broken.
He promised me He would hold the pieces in His hands.
He spoke softly to my heart.
Then my heart was broken.
He reminded me that He is close to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18)

So I'm here.
Two months later.
Brokenhearted.
Hands still lifted high.
Trusting Him to hold the broken pieces.
Praying that my brokenness brings glory to His name.




Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spring is coming

It's snowing and its overcast and gray.
The grass is lifeless and brown.
There are patches of snow still on the ground.
The world looks dull.
Source
My heart feels empty.

But I know that spring is coming.
Today is the first day of spring.
In a few days it will be my husband's 26th birthday.
In just about a month from now my parent's back yard will be coated in a blanket of beautiful white blood root flowers.

I know that spring is coming.
I have smelled it on the days where it's been warmer and raining.
I have heard the birds begin to sing their songs and return from their winter homes.
I have felt the warmth of the sun on my face.

I know that spring is coming.
I eagerly watch and wait for the first robin.
I have heard the chickadees singing their songs.
In just a matter of weeks I'll be outside planting seeds for new flowers.
We'll soon see buds on the trees.
The days will continue to get longer and warmer.

The lilac bush will bloom.
The violets and phlox will coat my yard in white and shades of purple.
We'll be able to turn off the heat and open the windows during the day.
We'll hear the frogs in the pond near by.
And we'll go feed the ducks stale bread.

Spring is coming.
It's coming soon.

Spring is when the whole world feels new.
When the world comes back to life after a long hard winter.
There are signs of new life all over.
Everywhere you look you see new life. New growth.

Two weeks ago that we found out there was new life growing inside of me.
Two weeks ago we began to dream of this new member of our family.

Amazing all of the things you can think of and feel in the span of one week.
Wondering how we would do it all.
Thinking of how there would be a new baby at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thinking of being six months pregnant and going to the fair like we do every year.

It's amazing how you can instantly fall in love with someone so small.
And for one week I knowingly carried my child in my womb.

It feels impossible that it has been a week.
A week ago today that we lost our baby.

I have no idea why God is taking us down this road.
I have no idea why our baby had to go to heaven after only 6.5 weeks with us.
I have no idea why I was chosen to carry this sweet baby only to lose her.
But I do know one thing.
As hard as this has all been and continues to be, I would chose to do it all again.
I will carry you. I will always and forever carry you in my heart sweet girl.

We had big dreams for you.
Photographs we wanted to take.
We wanted to hold you.
Smell your sweet skin.
Feel your soft hair.
We wanted to rock you and make you feel safe.

People say that I'm brave but I'm not.
Truth is some days I'm barely hanging on.
Some days I just want to go crawl back into bed and sleep the day away.
I get angry. I get sad. I get lonely.

Someday I'll tell your brothers about you.
I think of you on a summers day imagining you being 3 and running with your wild hair.
I'll always wonder if you would have had bleach blonde hair like me, or brown hair like your daddy. Your brothers have smiles that fill their faces and bright eyes that light up our world.
I look at them and wonder what you would have looked like.

Monkey has been sad the last few days.
He says he doesn't know why but that he wishes daddy was home.
I think he misses you too.
Even though he didn't know you were here.

And even though my heart is still breaking and your daddy and I are still sad
I will be thankful for the time we had.
I will still praise the One who gave you to me.
I will still give Him my heart and know that He will carry us through this.
I will continue to stand with my hands lifted high, tears streaming down my face, my heart broken, and say "Here we stand our hearts are yours. Not our will but yours be done."


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The place in between.

Photo Credit
There are so many questions with no answers.
There are so many emotions with no words.
No one knows what to say to us right now.

People keep asking me how far along I was.
I honestly have avoided answering because I feel like by stating I was 6.5 weeks it somehow makes my baby's time on this earth count less.
My husband and I have decided to give our child the name we had picked out for her.
So I wait for people to say "Well at not even 7 weeks you have no way of knowing if it was a boy or girl. Why waste such a beautiful name?"

I wait for the short time I was blessed to carry our sweet baby to be discredited and brushed off as unimportant. And maybe deep down I struggle with some of those very thoughts.
But in only a week of having had a pregnancy confirmed, we had fallen in love with our child.

So I'm finally saying it.
I was six and a half weeks pregnant with our third baby.
The only physical proof we have that she existed is the positive pregnancy test.
I had not been to the doctor yet so we don't have any pictures of her.
But I had physical signs that I was pregnant.
I walked down one of the isles in my local grocery store
and I could smell the pickles through the jars.
We went out to dinner at a local Chinese buffet and I couldn't get over how yummy the peaches were. They were canned. Nothing special. But man they tasted good.
I had three helpings of them.

I was honestly scared about having a third child.
I didn't know if I could do it.
We have some big dreams and plans for my etsy shop and for this year in general.
We would need a different car as we couldn't fit three car seats in our current one.
I have problems with my pelvis and knew how painful and difficult Bug's pregnancy was with a toddler. Could I really go through that again with two kids needing me?

It wasn't until I thought I might be losing her that I knew I could do it.
I would do it.
Gladly.

We knew for certain that I was pregnant for exactly one week.
I looked at the positive test several times throughout the week.
Checking to see if this was really happening or if I was just dreaming.

After we lost her I had someone say,
"You didn't have room in your house for one more child!"
I wanted to cry and say, "But I had plenty of room in my heart."
We had enough room. There is always enough room.


I have so many questions.
Questions that can't be answered.
I wonder if it was my fault.
I wonder if the fact that after Bug was born
I had to have a D&C done made this happen.
I wonder if I could have done anything to prevent it.

I wait for the words that have remained unsaid.
Words that I know wouldn't help at all but I have secretly thought myself.
Things I have felt guilty of thinking.
Words I don't really want to hear.

I try to process the hurt and guilt that I didn't want this baby at first.
And yet I fell in love and am broken now that she's gone.
The guilt I feel for grieving a baby we lost only a few short weeks in when I have two healthy awesome boys here who need me too.
But if I move forward it feels like she never existed and will be forgotten which breaks my heart.

So here I sit.
Writing again.
Over 500 words.
A thousand thoughts.
A heart that is broken.
A love that is lost.
Caught between grieving what we've lost
and celebrating what we've gained.


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

We are not alone.



When I stared blogging after my oldest was born it was because I was pretty lonely.
We got married, moved to a new city, and had a baby all in less than a year.
I didn't know anyone where we lived and I needed an outlet.
I was working through a lot and needed a way to get it all out.
So I began blogging.
Not because I though I really had a story to share or anything that others would really relate to but simply because I needed it.

As I read some other blogs I just remember laughing or crying as I related to some of their stories. I found encouragement to be a better mom, wife, woman, and child of God.
I have grown and changed so much over the years and I'm still growing and changing.

I've continued to blog because of the community it has blessed me with.
So many beautiful wonderful people.
I have been so beyond blessed by the outpouring of love, prayers, and support as we grieve the loss of our baby.
I never could or would have imagined all of the messages and emails I would receive.


We've honestly truly felt it.
So thank you.

We've been blessed with a wonderful Church family as well as 
biological family who have just wrapped their arms around us. 

As I sat on my friend's couch Sunday night and talked to her about everything I've been thinking and feeling, how I've read some other blogs who have gone through the loss of a child. I told her about how I was blogging about what we're going through even though I'm not completely sure I want to. She told me, "One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis. "We read to know we are not alone. You need to read and you need to write."

I understand if what I have to write is too much for you to read.
I promise I won't be hurt by you clicking the little red X.
But I feel I have to write it for my own personal healing.
And if it helps just one other person to know they're not alone, 
then it will have been worth feeling so exposed. 

I've experienced every emotion possible I think.
I have cried till my eyes burned, my cheeks stung, my face was red, and body ached.
I'm pretty numb right now. 
Most all physical signs I was pregnant are gone so in some ways 
it almost feels like I never was.

I still have some weird food aversions and little to no appetite. 
Things I once really liked make me gag and things I have never liked taste really good.
I'm doing every day things. Going through the motions. Doing laundry, picking up toys, reading books to my boys.
I'm still having trouble sleeping.

I've talked so much about it, rehashed the timeline of the last six or so months that has brought us to this place that I feel like I have no words left. Yet I am able to type over 500 words and have a million thoughts.

I'm trying to keep busy but I don't really feel like doing a whole lot right now.
In some ways I feel like I need to just push ahead and go on with life but then I feel guilty like I'm forgetting our baby. Like her life didn't matter or count.
I just feel...stuck.

Monday, March 17, 2014

When life isn't what you planned.

I drafted this post the night that I was losing our baby.
I had no idea if I would ever come back to it or if I would ever actually post this.
I'm still not even sure if I want to.
But here I am back at this post reading through what I wrote, still feeling unimaginable emotional pain. The physical pain has mostly gone but my hear is still so broken.



Being thankful for thorns means being thankful for the hard stuff in our lives.
It doesn't mean that it makes it all ok or a walk in the park but still being thankful.

I have to be totally honest with you, I'm struggling with being thankful for some thorns right now in my life.

First going through failure to thrive with Bug.
Watching him go through tests and monitoring everything he ate.
Increasing his caloric intake as much as possible.
Being afraid of if he was going to be ok.
Feeling like it was my fault and questioning what I did wrong.
Everyone of course reminded me it's not my fault but I still to this day feel as though I failed my son. God has placed him in my arms for me to nurture, care for his physical needs, and train him up. And somehow I failed to fully meet his physical needs without even knowing it.

And now....I have a baby in heaven.
It's weird you know?
You never think or expect it could REALLY happen to you.
It's just something that happens to other women.

I know a lot of women who have one or more babies in heaven...
I never imagined it would be me too.
I'm typing this up on 3/13/2014 the day my baby went to be in the arms of Jesus.
And man I'm jealous.

I'm jealous.
I'm sad.
I'm confused.
I'm alone.

I'm jealous that Jesus is holding my baby right now.
I'm sad that I won't be able to hold my little one in this life.
I'm sad for all of the things our family is going to miss with this child being in heaven.
I'm confused as to why this happened. I know God has a plan and I know it'll work together for my good (Romans 8:28) but man right now I just don't understand this at all.
I'm alone. There is no longer a baby growing inside my womb.

My husband will be going through emotional loss and pain too I'm sure but no one else will feel this exact physical pain. The emptiness I feel inside me.

I was carrying our third child.
We were getting excited.
We were making plans to go out and celebrate this new addition to our family.
And now our whole world feels turned upside down.

Instead of going out to dinner and a movie to celebrate we'll be spending Saturday night curled up in pjs and blankets "watching" a movie to distract ourselves.
Instead of going out to dinner we'll be eating whatever we can throw together.
Instead of getting excited and being happy we'll be grieving.

I will always love you my sweet angle baby.
I will miss you every day.
I will always be your mommy.
I will see you again some day.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The life we almost had.

I thought the moment I graduated from high school I would feel grown up.
Maybe it would be when I had my first car or got my first job.
Going out on a first date, that was a grown up thing to do right?
Becoming an assistant manager in a woman's retail store.

Getting engaged.
Apartment hunting.
Getting married.
Moving in to our first place together.
Setting up all of our utilities.
Paying bills and living on a budget.
Getting pregnant.
Having to testify in court.
Having a baby.
Being a full time stay at home mommy.
Turning 21.
I am an adult so naturally I must be grown up.

I thought maybe it would be the day we brought home our second baby.
The time frame of me babysitting two kids while being a mom to my own two and being a wife. I thought I was grown up and old when we were going through failure to thrive with Bug (our second.) and I was having to do all sorts of difficult things.

Today I feel old.
I feel weathered and worn.
I feel broken and busted.
Bruised and battered.
I feel empty and numb.

Nothing prepares you to go through a miscarriage.
Nothing prepares you to go through losing a baby.
Nothing.

I use to read some blogs that I had stumbled across.
Mom's who had experiences the unimaginable.
Mom's who opened up the broken parts of their hearts and shared them with other women.
I use to read them and go "oh my...I can't imagine..."
I might snoop around and read more about their life.
I would pray for them.
And then I would click the little red X at the top of the page.

But this...this is now my life.
I can't click the little red X because there isn't one.
This is not how it should be.
But this is how it is.
In a matter of a few hours I went from feeling full, excited, and getting ready to be a mom of three, a work at home mom with an etsy shop, and a woman who loves her God and her husband.
I went from planning to go out and celebrate with my husband one day to talking to my doctor about having a miscarriage.

But now.

Now I'm a mommy to three.
I have two babies who are currently asleep upstairs in their room.
I have one baby who is in heaven in the arms of Jesus.
And I'm broken.

My heart is broken. My womb is empty.
I have cried more in a matter of a couple of days
than I have in the last probably 10 years combined.
My cheeks hurt from the salt of my tears.
My eyes are blood shot, red, and puffy.

In a matter of a few hours I went from thinking and dreaming of the rest of this year, getting excited for when our new little love would arrive, thinking of going to the fair and being pregnant, thinking of Christmas and hanging five stockings, to now thinking of how there is an empty space in our home.

I still love my God.
I will still praise Him and I know He is close to me and holding my broken heart.
I am still a woman who loves her husband like crazy and I know we'll get through this together.

But I'm so different now.
I'm a different person than I was on Wednesday.
I could never imagine this is who I would become.

I'm now a 24 year old mom to three.
I'm the mom who is just doing what she has to in order to get through the day.
I wake up with my hand on my stomach and smile
but then I remember there is nothing there.
I get up and change Bug's diaper with tears in my eyes.
I meet the demands of both boys who are hungry and thirsty.
I do what I have to do.
Then once my boys are in bed I cry and mourn our other child.

I miss the life we almost had.