Due Date

Today is my due date but I am not pregnant with that child.
Today is my due date but I will never hold that baby this side of heaven.
Today is my due date and I feel a baby move inside of my womb but it is not the baby I should be giving birth to soon.

Eight months ago I went into my bathroom, peed on a stick, and waited three minutes.
Three Minutes.
That's all it takes for your whole world to change.
Two pink lines.
Pregnant.

Those two pink lines bring so many emotions along with them.
Excitement, fear, joy, and worry just to name a few.
You begin to plan and think through all of the things you'll need to prepare over the next 9 months.
New car seat. Will three car seats fit in our small car?
A new bed for the 4 year old, transition the 2 year old to a toddler bed, replace the crib mattress. How are we going to fit another baby with all of the gear that comes with a baby into our small house?
Why does someone so small have the biggest stuff?!

But sometimes pregnancy doesn't go the way we planned.

Just a week after those two pink lines changed our world forever, our world changed forever again in a way we never would have imagined.

On March 12th 2014 just before bed I went to the bathroom and realized something was wrong. I told my husband what was going on and we went to bed hopeful that maybe it was no big deal.
By morning I knew that our life wasn't what we planned.

I texted my midwife and told her what was going on.
She called me immediately and asked so many questions.
I answered, numb, in shock, and feeling nothing and everything all at the same time.

They say the year of firsts is the hardest.
I sobbed in church week that I knew I should have first felt Zoe kick.
The first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day I couldn't even blog about.
This should be her possible birth day.
This Thanksgiving should be the first with our daughter.
This Christmas should be her first Christmas and our first as a complete family.
March will be her first "angelversary."

This year is hard.
But today is lonely.
Today feels dull, gray, and empty.
It should be full of joy and excitement in expectation of her pending arrival.
Instead I feel sorrow and grief for the life we should have had with her.

It's fitting you know, all the rain that is falling today.

It was gray and gloomy the day we lost our baby and it's gray and gloomy today.

Knowing that this day was going to be difficult we decided to celebrate our angel.

My sweet amazing husband planned out our whole morning.

He left early to go get a couple of things, told us to all write letters to Zoe, and be ready for the day by the time he got back.

He came home with five pink balloons.

One for each of us, including the baby I'm now carrying.

There were tears as we miss her so badly but it was nice to also celebrate her life.

She's changed us.

Her life has changed us in so many ways.

I'm thankful for our sweet baby.

And I look forward to the day we get to hold Zoe Mae.