Thankful For Thorns: Is God still Faithful?

The night my heart was breaking and I was losing our baby I created a playlist.
I titled it "Sad" because that's how I felt.
I began to add song after song.
I listened to the playlist I had created every day.

I had a deadline to meet for a dog expo I would be attending at the end of April.
I focused on sewing and listening to the playlist.
One day I really heard the lyrics to one of the songs I had added to my playlist.

"I am broken, I am bleeding

I am scared and I’m confused...

I am weary, unbelieving

God, please help my unbelief

'Cause You are faithful

Yes, You are faithful"

I listened.

Broken.

That had been the word I had been using to describe exactly how I felt inside.

Bleeding.

Physically my body had bled and it felt like my heart would never stop bleeding.

Scared.

I was terrified. Had I caused this? Just days before I had carried my oldest son's bike through the house and outside for him to ride it. As I picked it up and carried it, "hmmm, should I be doing this? I wonder if its really wise for me to be carrying this bike."

Confused.

I was so confused as to why God would give us a baby we initially didn't want, but fell in love with, then take her away.

Weary.

I was weary to the core. A deep kind of tired that no amount of sleep could touch.

"I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I'll sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark

You are faithful
You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then, still Your Name is Faithful"

I have to confess that I had times when I really questioned God.

I remember listening to this song and thinking, "I know in my head that God is faithful but my heart is so broken right now that I think it's forgotten."

It felt easy to tell the world that God was faithful but I had moments where deep inside my very being I wasn't so sure if I still felt and believed that.
He had given us a baby that was then taken away.
Just after I had given God my heart in a way I never had before my world was rocked to the core.
Was God still really faithful in those moments?
I wondered why He couldn't ease me into this new life.

As I listened to the words I thought through how easy it was for me to share God and what I claimed to believe while in Africa. But now? Sure, I could still tell others what I though I should say or what I thought they wanted to hear, but deep down inside me I wasn't so sure.
I was shaken to my core.

As a teenager I had been able to shout it from the mountain top.
Now as a mother who had just lost a child I had a hard time whispering it to my heart.
It didn't seem fair. He gave me this baby and then took her away? How could He still be faithful?

"And with everything inside of me

I am choosing to believe

You are faithful"

We had friends over for group one Sunday afternoon and while honestly I don't remember much else about the conversation I do remember what my friend Melissa shared.
She talked about how they sang "Christ Is Enough" by Hillsong. The chorus,

"I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. No turning back."

She went on to talk about how we have chosen this life.

We have chosen to follow Jesus. Are we going to live like it or are we going to turn back like Lot's wife? (You know, the woman who looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt? yeah her.)

Isn't that like us though? To want to just stay with what we're use to.
To want to go back when we come upon something difficult.

So I decided I would declare it to my heart.
I would scream in the dark places that I was walking through that God was still faithful.
And now as I look back during some of the darkest days in my life I can see His presence.
I can see the ways in which He was faithful and reminded me He hadn't left.

So I will continue to say yes.
I will continue to say that God is faithful.
I will continue to believe.