Monday, June 2, 2014

The question without answers.

It's amazing how much changes in the course of four years.
Four years ago today I was 10 days overdue with my first child.
I went through the disappointment of false labor and then a failed induction.
I came home the second time after having been on pitocin for 8 hours and decided to go help out at a youth event at our church because I didn't want to do nothing while waiting.
At the time eating a spicy chicken wing sub and playing 4 square with a bunch of teens sounded like a lot more fun.

Four years ago today I was unable to sleep because I knew the next day I was going in for my second induction and he would be born within 24 hours after the start of the induction.
I would finally be holding my sweet little boy.

He's grown into such a sweet, caring, loving, and affectionate boy.
He is so intuitive and observant.
He's quick to run and check on other's if he thinks they could be hurt.
He's one to sit and snuggle while watching a movie.
He loves to make you laugh and hugs and kisses are always on tap.

The day our world changed he never left my side.
I didn't know what to tell him about what was going on so I simply told him mommy didn't feel good and that I had to rest a lot.
I spent the day laying on the couch and he spent the day snuggled up close to me.
He was quick to get up and help his younger brother just so I didn't have to get up.
I'll never forget the way he told me "Momma, I'll feed brother dinner tonight so you can go lay back down."

When I finally began to start physically feeling better he would ask me often if I was ok.
He would ask me if I needed to lay down.
And he began asking me how my heart felt.
He knew I was sad deep inside but that I wasn't sick anymore.

Then about a month ago he started talking about what he wants for his life.
He told me that he wants to get married and be a daddy.
And then he started talking about "his little girl."
He started telling me things that he wants to do with her and things she'll like.

But then he surprised me one day by saying that I should have a little girl.

The first time he said something about me having a baby I just quickly changed the subject.
I just couldn't even imagine another baby. I didn't wan to replace the one we lost.
He has continued to bring up having a little sister and the way he would protect her and teach her cool things.

Ever since losing our daughter I have wrestled with how to talk to my oldest son about it.
Tomorrow is his fourth birthday but today he grew up.

We sat together in our favorite chair to read a couple of books when he asked me the question.

him: "Mommy? Is there a baby in your tummy?"
I looked over at him to see his eyes looking at my stomach with eyes that pleaded for a yes. Before I could answer he reached down and touched my stomach as if hoping to feel something.
me: "No buddy, there is not a baby in my tummy."
His eyes looked confused, still looking at my stomach, and he pulled his hand away.
him: "Oh. I thought there was."
How do I answer this? How do I talk to him about his baby sitter that he'll never meet or hold this side of heaven? 
me: "There was a baby in there, but not anymore sweetie."
him: "I know mommy. There were two babies in there. First there was me and then there was brother. But I thought maybe there was a baby in your tummy now."
He looked at me with a sad smile. I could tell he was confused. Unsure how to ask the question. I looked back at him wanting to answer his questions only I realized these were questions without answers.
me: "Why did you ask if there was a baby in my tummy?"
him: "I just thought there was so I just wanted to know."
He then climbed off my lap and left the room.

I watched him as he walked away.
His physical demeanor different than when the conversation had started.
His heart was sad and he didn't know why.

The rest of the night has been spent with him close to my side.
He asked me how my heart was feeling. I told him my heart was sad.
He told me his heart is sad too. He asked me if I missed daddy because he misses him too.
Extra hugs and kisses.
Bedtime was a little bit later.

My son turns four tomorrow but he grew up a little bit more today.


  1. Huge hugs for you momma. Your son sounds like an absolutely precious little boy.

    1. Thank you. He is. He's so perceptive and has such a caring heart.

  2. My son was 4 when I lost my baby. I was 23 weeks so it was a bit different. He was getting excited about being a big brother. When the baby passed, I had to explain it. That his brother had to go to heaven. He asked why, I said he was a very sick baby & God knew he was sick. He asked if I would have another. I don't know. He asked if the baby would come back when he was better. I said no, he was very sick. Two years later, I became pregnant again. He asked if God was going to take this brother too. I said I hope not. He said he wouldn't get excited until he sees this brother. True to his word, he wouldn't talk about the baby. When I started getting the nursery ready he avoided the room. He wouldn't look at the ultrasounds. But he cried the day he meet his brother! When he was able to hold him & see he was ok he said he loved him all the time! Now we also have a girl & he acted the same way until we took him to the ultrasound to see her at 25 weeks. He asked "are you sure she's healthy?" He loves his siblings. He may not remember Michael, but it still touches his heart.

    1. It's amazing how much it can really affect a surviving sibling.
      Thank you for sharing your story.

  3. Your son is growing up to be a wonderful person, but maybe that's because his mama is so wonderful, too. Hang in there and please know your family is still in our prayers.

    1. Thank you so much.
      It really truly means a lot to us.