Sunday, April 13, 2014

One Month.

It's been one month since we said goodbye.
It feels so much longer.
It feels like just yesterday.
But I guess that's how grief is.

I'll be totally honest.
My house is a mess.
There are dirty diapers needing to be washed,
Hampers full of clothes needing to be washed, folded, and put away.
And dishes needing to be washed.

I'm trying to keep busy but I have little desire to keep up.
I spend a lot of time sewing these days.
It's productive, enjoyable, creative, and keeps me busy.

I feel like a bad mom to the boys.
I'm struggling to be there for them.
They are changing.
Right in front of me, they are changing.
Changing, growing, learning and...and I'm missing it.
Because I feel like if I move forward,
if I go on, keep going...
that it means I'm forgetting my third child.

And if I forget her...
then she'll be gone.
Lost forever.

I feel stuck.
Stuck in life.
Stuck in my blog.

I have so many review commitments I need to fulfill, giveaways to be done,
and other things I want to blog about too but I can't seem to do it.
I never thought or imagined that I would be in this place.
And I just don't even know how to add in other content to my blog again right now.

One month later...I'm still in that place.

Today I realized if I were still pregnant I would be 11 weeks.
I felt both of the boys move for the first time at 11 weeks.

I ache for that feeling.
That feeling of movement of life inside of me.
Those first few baby butterfly kicks.
The ones that only I could feel.

I feel like some people get it.
But so many...most...don't.

Few call.
Less come.
Life moves on.

But here I am.
Still grieving.
Still broken.
Still hurting.


  1. Thanks for sharing this! I appreciate that you are able to put into words so many of the same feelings I had. It has been 6 months for me now, and its still hard, especially when I see other moms who are due the same time I should have been. I just keep holding onto God's plan is the best, and I may not know why this happened but it was for the best. I'm longing for my lost baby, and longing for another to help fill the gap, but alas am just waiting on God. Praying for you!

  2. Love,
    Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. I will always remember my Michael, 5 years later, 2 babies later & I think "I should have 3 boys being crazy around here.... I'm missing 1." This is the first year I haven't made a blanket for his angel date.... Instead he was with me as I delivered his sister. I know that's why she smiles so often.
    Grieve as you need to momma. It's OK to be sad. But know God has your angel in his hands. And someday, maybe not today but sometime it will feel OK.... Not wonderful but not so raw & red. You will survive!
    God bless momma.
    Another angel mommy with 2 rainbows

  3. <> I've been there... twice. There is nothing quite like losing a child - no matter the age. Praying for you and looking forward to meeting you this weekend.